Written by Dr. Suzanne Tang

September 3rd, 2024

As summer officially ends and kids are back in school and some are off to college, I am reminded of the many changes, transitions, and new experiences that keep us learning and growing in the school of life.

Moving our firstborn, Chloe, into her dorm almost 900 miles away at the University of Portland and saying good-bye to her last week, as she embarks on her first year of nursing school, was marked by so many emotions of sadness, excitement, nervousness, fear of the unknown, overwhelm, and “fatigue” (which I realize is not categorized as an actual emotion but sure feels like it should be at times). Thankfully the big move, orientation, and early transition went off without a hitch, especially since she had already developed wonderful budding friendships with her college roommate and classmates over the spring and summer.

While the school president addressed the incoming freshmen with kindness and warmth, he affirmed the university’s dedication to faith, formation, service, and leadership. He shared that, “The mind will not be cultivated at the expense of the heart” and “Education is the art of helping people to their completeness.” At this moment, holding my daughter’s hand tight with copious tears streaming down my face, I knew my child was exactly where she was supposed to be.

As we embraced and cried together for what felt like our final good-bye, I trusted that she was in a caring and nurturing community that would truly allow her to thrive and grow into the empathic, heart-centered, and compassionate person that she is meant to be. It has only been 9 days since then and the feelings and tears keep flowing. As these feelings are felt and tears are dried, what lies underneath are core thoughts and beliefs waiting to be reflected upon and shifted.

What’s showing up underneath these feelings? Certainly the fear of separation and insecurity about whether she will be okay without me. Although I have a full career, healthy relationships and nourishing hobbies, raising my children for the past 18 years has always been one of the most important, fulfilling and challenging roles of my life.

The Shift from Parent to Supportive Coach

With my daughter in college and son just two years away from flying from the nest, this role and identification as a mother is swiftly changing. Processing and releasing this fear, insecurity, and over-identification, moving out of co-dependency, and allowing faith and trust to guide me through this big transition is the only way for my relationship with myself, my kids, and my spouse to continue to evolve and grow. I have to move out of co-dependency and allow faith and trust to guide me through this big transition. I can retire from my role as a tiring and, at times, nagging mom micromanager and move into an expansive, liberating role of supportive coach. As they step into their growing independence to be their own guide, advocate for themselves, and surround themselves with their tribe, they are learning more tools in their toolbox of life skills to grow and thrive.

Redefining "Empty Nesting"

In addition, I am reframing the socially acceptable, but depressing, label of empty nester. I am excited and simultaneously sad that my kids are flying from our cozy and very busy nest but the nest is not going to be empty. It’s full of potential. There is an invitation for more space and time for greater self-care, wellness, deeper relationships, and other pursuits of joy and purpose. The term replacing empty nesting, which was coined by Rebecca Throop, mom of college-launched sons, TEDx speaker and writer is “soaring syndrome”. The kids are not the only ones soaring into higher education, exciting adventures, new friendships, and self-development. Moms, dads, and caretakers also get to soar boundlessly into this next phase of their lives. To help step into this spacious new phase, I thought of inquiries to stoke curiosity and inspiration.

Questions to help you Soar

How do you want to soar with this new spaciousness?
What is your purpose outside of raising and providing for your children or loved ones?
Who are you meant to be?
How do you want to take better care of yourself as you transition into mid-life menopause or andropause and beyond?
What do you want to do for YOU?
What dreams have you put on hold that you are ready to actualize and manifest?
How do you want to play and have more fun in your life?

I am challenging myself, and everyone reading this blog, to take 20 minutes daily to pause, reflect, meditate on these questions, and journal about intentions to truly soar and continue growing during this phase of life.

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